I just hope Alex the Wonderdog doesn’t see this video. It might give him ideas the next time I take him out for a walk…
Category: Diary
Alex the Wonderdog doesn’t like to walk. It has been widely documented on this blog about this utter lack of enthusiasm in putting one paw in front of the other. Licking piss off a lampost: yup, he’ll do that. Barking at the postman: yup, check that too. But walkies is something that literally has him shaking with canine terror. It’s not that he’s got bad paws – he certainly runs in circles when he wants his dinner. It’s just he just doesn’t like walking. I’ve tried everything to no avail. And he’s certainly got a lot worse since he was attacked by that mastiff earlier in the year.
So anyway, this morning was his usual walkies and I do like to keep him moving. If Alex had his way he’d just veg out on the sofa and grow fat. But no, I am not going to let him do that. We are walkies…and that’s that. And so I drag the little white immovable object for all I am worth. It is quite a strain because he is literally pulling me backwards, back home while I move forwards. If I turn around and head home, he is literally running ahead of me to get back to his sofa.
We turn into Chester Road and I notice some shifty looking bloke jumping out of a dirty white saloon car with a “A dog’s for life, not just Xmas” sticker in the back window. He is scurrying from house to house doing a “charity collection” of unwanted clothes and bric-a-brac. I think nothing of him and pass him by, dragging the dog. We walk past the empty bus stop and the white car pulls up right beside me. My spidey senses tingle and I think that he probably just wants directions. He winds down the window and beckons me over. I frown as if to say “What?” and he beckons me again. So I remove one earphone from my ear and lean into the car window, expecting him to ask where Mannock Drive is or something.
Him: Here mate, you ought to get a harness for your dog, otherwise you are going to damage his neck the way you are dragging him along.
Me: Thanks, and you want to mind your own business.
And so the day I was worried about has come. I did say to The MIssus that it wouldn’t be long before some plucky do-gooder would tell me how to walk the dog properly. I said that I would hand them the lead and tell them to have Alex if they thought they could do a better job. But when push comes to shove, I didn’t want to hand over my pet because even though he’s not like normal dogs and he’s lazy and he doesn’t want to walk and he makes the most terrible smells and he can be aggressive and surly and awkward and difficult, he’s still my best friend.
And to say I was incandescent with rage was an understatement…grrrr…Smash, destroy – Hulk smash puny human…grrr…
The irony of all this was that at the weekend I was at the pet megamart looking for a harness for Alex the Wonderdog and they didn’t have any leather harnesses in stock, so I had to buy a new collar to replace the one that was falling off his fat neck. Ooooooh….
The thing I’ve noticed recently is that a lot of people have been asking me about my guitar gear. Being exposed (oooh, Missus) on YouTube and wherever else, means that other like-minded gentlemen are given the opportunity to quiz yours truly about his setup. Now for me there’s nothing more boring than talking gear. I can imagine its like those guys who stand at the bar and say to each other “Sooo…what car are ye driving at the moment?” and then they belt through the various performance stats of each vehicle.
No…I was a bit of a gearhead once, but I’ve actually found my ideal setup. I hate to mention it, but all this gear works sweetly together. But that’s not the point, I guess it is kinda nice to have people ask about your guitar and how you get certain FX. I’ve had one guy asking me advice about the Godin xtSA (Great guitar, watch out for the dodgy nut), another asking me about my synth tones (send me over your patches via email – no frigging way, buster) and yesterday one chap wanted to know the ins and outs of a gnat’s arsehole. While I don’t mind answering general questions like “What do you think of the Boss DD-20” or “What can you recommend for stereo looping”, some enquiries are just a little bit like being interrogated by a crazed roadie.
I sat there and thought to myself “figure it out yourself, like I had to”, but then the natural helpful person comes out and, I must admit, I do get a thrill out of teaching people things. I should have been a teacher or something, but decided that writing was the life for me…oh well, we all make mistakes, eh? But anyway, I answered all this guys questions the best I could…
Q: I’ve got this list of equipment (includes list) how do I connect it up
A: It’s up to personal choice but try this (I include a sample setup idea)
Q: What are the 1/4″ jacks for on the Godin xtSA?
A: They are for the piezo acoustic and electric pickups. Download the manual for the guitar here.
Q: How do you get your sustain?
A: That’s a secret…
Q: Can I have a picture of your setup?
At that point, I included a picture of Alex the Wonderdog laying over my gear and a little doodle of my equipment show exactly how they are all connected. I am including this diagram for any other young chaps who need help. I don’t mind helping out but some of the details are a little, how do you say, anal?
Daniel Hoffmann-Luvvie said of my recent photograph:
“You look like the devil.”
Like, duh. I am the Devil…or at least that’s what the voices in my head keep telling me…
We did our usual thing of heading up to the Bluewater shopping center in order for The Missus to spend her birthday monies. The selection of shops and the ability to cover a lot of ground in little time makes it our shopping centre of choice. Trudging up and down Oxford Street lost its shine many years ago…
Lots of clothes were perused and some were even purchased. We spent an awful lot of time looking for a new winter coat for her. Eventually, we found one that was suitable and snug, hidden away in John Lewis.
I even managed to sneak into the music shop in the complex and test out a few acoustic guitars (for they were ones that weren’t nailed down and requiring constant supervision from shop staff). The Missus selected a nice Fender acoustic for me to try and I like it a lot. She wanted to get it for me for Xmas, but I told her no. We could get this online for a much better price, I argued. Later on, I discovered the self-same instrument was available for a £90 saving – so that looks like my Xmas present is already bought!
Me and guitar chum at Bluewater
For the first time ever in a guitar shop I actually did a bit of showing off. There was an acoustic bass free so I picked it up and plonked around. I noticed two young-uns eyeing me up, so I did a few more chops before nonchalantly putting the instrument down. Oh dear, what have I become???
Meanwhile, “God Pays Debts Without Money…” is now available on iTunes.
The plan was simple. Head for the “Plume” and await bruv-in-law. However, we were running late (as per usual) and we were greeted by bruv at the zebra crossing. Apparently, no small children were allowed in the Plume and we had to make other plans. Luckily, the “Old Orleans” feedbowl on the roundabout caters for little folk and we awaited the arrival of in-laws before setting off.
Not been to the “Old Orleans” before, but it was decked out as a US eaterie. The food was OK-ish, but the booze better. A good time was had by all and we spent time chewing the fat and making a fuss of baby niece, who has grown loads since the last time we saw her. It was good to get together. We don’t do it half enough for various reasons.
I amazed The Missus by winning a requested tiger out of the grabber machine in the small arcade section in the establishment. It’s good to know that I can still impress her with my deftness on the old claw machine. My deftness is legend…
But yes, The Missus had a good birthday time and we had been celebrating most of the weekend. On Saturday night, it was sampling “Beers of the World” while listening to the latest Peter Hammill remasters. On Sunday, it was the family get together and on Monday a shopping trip was proposed to spend her birthday money.
One of my favourite films just happens to be “The Wicker Man” starring Edward Woodward and Christopher Lee. The Missus bought me back a great DVD version from the US a couple of years back for a birthday present. Whenever I watch the movie, I always think back to the first time I watched the film as an impressionable youth, who had no idea of what the film was about and the bleak outcome of the protagonist. I remember as the end image of the blistering sunset appeared, the sheer horror and disbelief at what I had witnessed. Surely the hero always wins? That film was the first ever time I’d seen the righteous man defeated – it was a valuable lesson.
Now much as been written about the movie and there’s lots of discussion if you google it, but for me it isn’t so much a film about paganism versus organised religion, but the story of a man who wants so desperately to be right and needs certain rules to make sense of his universe. In this case, it is Christianity, but it could easily be any other religion in the frame. There are a couple of moments in the film that Sgt Howie’s character could have escaped – if he’d have succumbed to Britt Eckland’s seduction, he would no longer been a virgin and been no use to the locals. However, he wanted to do the right thing: he wanted to find the “killer” of Rowan Morrison and be chaste for his impending marriage. Wanting to be right, wanting to bring law and order resulted in his downfall. The lesson is that even if you are right, it doesn’t mean you are going to end up in the right, as it were. It is almost a moral for these immoral times.
When the studio execs saw the intiial edit of the film, they suggested that a rain shower put out the flames and save Woodward’s character. In other missing edit of the film, the last few scenes show that the sacrifice has been successful and that the fruit has returned to Summerisle.
Anyway, why I am bleating on about this film? Well, the soundtrack recently appeared on the eternally fantastic eMusic website (the only music download site worth signing up for, IMHO) and I was thrilled to download it. Part of the magic of the film is the faux folk songs that accompany it. The band Magnet (especially brought together to create the soundtrack) manage to create songs that give the belief system on the island a greater depth. The most memorable song of the collection is “Willow’s Song” – the song that accompanies Britt Eckland’s saucy dance as she bangs on the bedroom walls in an attempt to deflower Sgt Howie. After listening to the album, I did a check on the Internet and discovered that quite a few other bands have covered the song too – it is indeed a very popular track. So I thought it would be a jolly wheeze if I recorded my own version as a tribute to the movie I like so much. OK – it’s not exactly the same and I fluffed some of the chords up and it’s really a song for a woman’s voice, but there you go. I did have this on the site, but I removed it because it was a steaming pile of old socks.
But if you want to hear the instrumental version of the original track used in the film, you can download it direct from the record label website here.