You are allowed to enjoy this…

The old saying is: “They only come out at night” and last night proved the adage to be quite true. We were four fifths through our late night walkies with Alex the Wonderdog and the Capmeister General when in the distance I spied an alarming sight.

At first, I thought the man in the distance was wearing white trousers, but as my bespectacled eyes focussed in the darkness, I could see that this man was naked from the waist down, apart from his socks. For the record, he was walking nonchalantly down Goldingham Avenue at about 11.30pm as if nothing was amiss. There was no scurrying into the darkness to preserve his modesty or any about his appearance to say that this behaviour was anything but normal. Over his right arm was slung his jeans and underpants and in his left hand he held his shoes.

So what’s the story? Is he a lover who has fled the scene after the unexpected arrival of the cuckold husband? Did he do a runner out of the window like Robin Askwith in one of those crazy “Confessions” films of the 1970s? Perhaps, he was a peeping tom and having a crafty wank whilst spying trough his victims window? Perhaps he was a sexual deviant who got his kicks from displays of exhibitionism? Or maybe he was really forgetful and only just remembered to put his trousers on.

As we moved closer, the man leant against the wall between the two blocks of flats in that road and leant against the wall for balance as he slid on his underpants and trousers. He saw us and then scarpered into the night still holding his shoes in his hand. As he fled, I made a quip about the dogs being hungry. Anyhow, you don’t expect to see a stranger’s cock and balls whilst out walking the dogs. The guy himself was white, a little podgy, dark shortish hair, probably 30-35, about 5’6″ to 5’8″ and was wearing a dark top. This is for the record just in case there are any reports of any wrongdoing in the area on Friday 1 December 2006 at 11.30pm.

Meanwhile, the blog has been quiet because frankly I don’t feel like writing anything down. It is that time of the year and things are in decline. In less than a month, I’ve seen all my regular avenues for writing work dry up and I head towards 2007 with no work forthcoming. This is not the first time this has happened and it won’t be the last. The trick is survival and such is the business of a self-employed freelance writer. It is a tough business and you are only as good as your last commission.

Last week, I received a call from Gemma at the BBC. At first, I thought it might have been about a job, but it turns out she was calling from the Mastermind office. In January, I applied to go on the quiz show because I thought I should do something exciting with my year. They wanted me to audition this coming Monday, but I gracefully declined as I no longer felt mentally prepared for the challenge. I said I’d apply again when I was ready while lying that I was too busy to attend. The Missus said I was a fool for turning it down, but my brain doesn’t work too well in the darker months – I need sunlight to thrive!

Good job I did turn it down because during the course of this week I have been suffering from a bad ear infection. My left ear is swollen and painful and sometimes, if I am lucky, oozes. Nice! It is so painful I cannot sleep on it and it is impossible to wear headphones for any period of time. I am hoping it dries out and cures itself. In the meantime, I am feeling sick and giddy like a schoolgirl with a crush on the local hunk. However, I think this is down to the ear infection and not being in love. 🙂

So The Missus bought me my Xmas present early. It was that acoustic guitar we saw the last time we went to Bluewater and we managed to pick up one from a German music store for a £90 saving. Result! The guitar arrived and I was meant to open it for Xmas, but the outer box had some damage and The Missus insisted I check it out to see if the guitar was OK. Well, luckily the instrument was well packaged and is in pristine condition. It is a lovely guitar and I recommend the Fender GDC-100 SCE. I should do a review or something. The new acoustic has strengthened my left hand and I started a little recording. The following is a very short demo of a track I am working on. It’s only a snippet so don’t think it is in anyway the finished article.

I don’t ask much from you guys (well maybe I ask you to buy my CDs a little too often) but I’ve been very foolish and entered myself into a couple of music competitions here in Blighty. Both of these contests could result in yours truly playing live in front of real people, so here’s your chance to vote for me and watch me die of stage fright. Go on, you know you want to make me suffer!
The Pringles Unsung Competition
The MyMemory Jersey Live Unsigned Competition
Vote, vote, vote!

I just hope Alex the Wonderdog doesn’t see this video. It might give him ideas the next time I take him out for a walk…

Alex the Wonderdog doesn’t like to walk. It has been widely documented on this blog about this utter lack of enthusiasm in putting one paw in front of the other. Licking piss off a lampost: yup, he’ll do that. Barking at the postman: yup, check that too. But walkies is something that literally has him shaking with canine terror. It’s not that he’s got bad paws – he certainly runs in circles when he wants his dinner. It’s just he just doesn’t like walking. I’ve tried everything to no avail. And he’s certainly got a lot worse since he was attacked by that mastiff earlier in the year.
So anyway, this morning was his usual walkies and I do like to keep him moving. If Alex had his way he’d just veg out on the sofa and grow fat. But no, I am not going to let him do that. We are walkies…and that’s that. And so I drag the little white immovable object for all I am worth. It is quite a strain because he is literally pulling me backwards, back home while I move forwards. If I turn around and head home, he is literally running ahead of me to get back to his sofa.
We turn into Chester Road and I notice some shifty looking bloke jumping out of a dirty white saloon car with a “A dog’s for life, not just Xmas” sticker in the back window. He is scurrying from house to house doing a “charity collection” of unwanted clothes and bric-a-brac. I think nothing of him and pass him by, dragging the dog. We walk past the empty bus stop and the white car pulls up right beside me. My spidey senses tingle and I think that he probably just wants directions. He winds down the window and beckons me over. I frown as if to say “What?” and he beckons me again. So I remove one earphone from my ear and lean into the car window, expecting him to ask where Mannock Drive is or something.
Him: Here mate, you ought to get a harness for your dog, otherwise you are going to damage his neck the way you are dragging him along.
Me: Thanks, and you want to mind your own business.
And so the day I was worried about has come. I did say to The MIssus that it wouldn’t be long before some plucky do-gooder would tell me how to walk the dog properly. I said that I would hand them the lead and tell them to have Alex if they thought they could do a better job. But when push comes to shove, I didn’t want to hand over my pet because even though he’s not like normal dogs and he’s lazy and he doesn’t want to walk and he makes the most terrible smells and he can be aggressive and surly and awkward and difficult, he’s still my best friend.
And to say I was incandescent with rage was an understatement…grrrr…Smash, destroy – Hulk smash puny human…grrr…
The irony of all this was that at the weekend I was at the pet megamart looking for a harness for Alex the Wonderdog and they didn’t have any leather harnesses in stock, so I had to buy a new collar to replace the one that was falling off his fat neck. Ooooooh….

The thing I’ve noticed recently is that a lot of people have been asking me about my guitar gear. Being exposed (oooh, Missus) on YouTube and wherever else, means that other like-minded gentlemen are given the opportunity to quiz yours truly about his setup. Now for me there’s nothing more boring than talking gear. I can imagine its like those guys who stand at the bar and say to each other “Sooo…what car are ye driving at the moment?” and then they belt through the various performance stats of each vehicle.

No…I was a bit of a gearhead once, but I’ve actually found my ideal setup. I hate to mention it, but all this gear works sweetly together. But that’s not the point, I guess it is kinda nice to have people ask about your guitar and how you get certain FX. I’ve had one guy asking me advice about the Godin xtSA (Great guitar, watch out for the dodgy nut), another asking me about my synth tones (send me over your patches via email – no frigging way, buster) and yesterday one chap wanted to know the ins and outs of a gnat’s arsehole. While I don’t mind answering general questions like “What do you think of the Boss DD-20” or “What can you recommend for stereo looping”, some enquiries are just a little bit like being interrogated by a crazed roadie.

I sat there and thought to myself “figure it out yourself, like I had to”, but then the natural helpful person comes out and, I must admit, I do get a thrill out of teaching people things. I should have been a teacher or something, but decided that writing was the life for me…oh well, we all make mistakes, eh? But anyway, I answered all this guys questions the best I could…

Q: I’ve got this list of equipment (includes list) how do I connect it up
A: It’s up to personal choice but try this (I include a sample setup idea)
Q: What are the 1/4″ jacks for on the Godin xtSA?
A: They are for the piezo acoustic and electric pickups. Download the manual for the guitar here.
Q: How do you get your sustain?
A: That’s a secret…
Q: Can I have a picture of your setup?

At that point, I included a picture of Alex the Wonderdog laying over my gear and a little doodle of my equipment show exactly how they are all connected. I am including this diagram for any other young chaps who need help. I don’t mind helping out but some of the details are a little, how do you say, anal?

Daniel Hoffmann-Luvvie said of my recent photograph:

“You look like the devil.”

Like, duh. I am the Devil…or at least that’s what the voices in my head keep telling me…

We did our usual thing of heading up to the Bluewater shopping center in order for The Missus to spend her birthday monies. The selection of shops and the ability to cover a lot of ground in little time makes it our shopping centre of choice. Trudging up and down Oxford Street lost its shine many years ago…
Lots of clothes were perused and some were even purchased. We spent an awful lot of time looking for a new winter coat for her. Eventually, we found one that was suitable and snug, hidden away in John Lewis.
I even managed to sneak into the music shop in the complex and test out a few acoustic guitars (for they were ones that weren’t nailed down and requiring constant supervision from shop staff). The Missus selected a nice Fender acoustic for me to try and I like it a lot. She wanted to get it for me for Xmas, but I told her no. We could get this online for a much better price, I argued. Later on, I discovered the self-same instrument was available for a £90 saving – so that looks like my Xmas present is already bought!

Me and guitar chum at Bluewater
For the first time ever in a guitar shop I actually did a bit of showing off. There was an acoustic bass free so I picked it up and plonked around. I noticed two young-uns eyeing me up, so I did a few more chops before nonchalantly putting the instrument down. Oh dear, what have I become???
Meanwhile, “God Pays Debts Without Money…” is now available on iTunes.