You are allowed to enjoy this…

Yesterday, I cleaned out my fish tank. A while ago, I had decided to get rid of my fish tank and free up the space in the corner of the living room. Most of the fish had died of natural causes and was a bit peeved to stock up the tank again. The plan was to let the remaining two catfish go to the big toilet in the sky and get rid of the tank. However, the catfish have other ideas and aren’t going anywhere. After all this time, I have decided to restock and have bought a new filter. I just didn’t have the heart to do away with them myself – even if I could just flush them down the loo in one quick motion. No – I couldn’t do that. So tomorrow we are off to buy some new fish and plants. Fishtank 1 – Darren 0.

Yesterday, I was ploughing through the usual wittering at the DGMLive Forum and the topic of conversation was about the music of King Crimson being used in film and TV. I am somewhat a fan of the band and remembered two good examples of adverts that had used the music. The first was an advert for Natrel Plus deoderant in 1996 which featured some afro-carribbean chap turn from a tree into a person to the strains of the song “Sex Sleep Eat Drink Dream”. which wasn’t on TV that often and I don’t have a copy of anywhere in the sprawling Lock Videotape Archive.

The second advert was for Dunlop, which was just a retread (get it) of the Tony Kaye campaign which was originally scored by The Velvet Underground’s “Venus in Furs”. This time around it featured King Crimson’s “21st Century Schizoid Man”. Of course, I don’t have this clip in the collection either, but a brief scout online found a digital copy of the original advert. So I went into the editing studio, cut out the Velvet Underground track and added an edited version of the song how I remember it. It probably was nothing like this at all, but this gives you an idea of how the music of King Crimson can help shift some tyres:

In The Apprentice last night, weedy Samuel bought the farm. Thank god. Despite being a relatively local boy (from Woodford and his gurning face appearing in the local paper every week with the headline “Sam Stays In”) I took a dislike of the guy from the outset. This is probably because he was one of the indecisive, too scared to put his balls on the line, wishy-washy coasters that go through life climbing on the back of others and generally, dodging the bullet. This time he couldn’t avoid being the target.

Hopefully, next week, Alan Sugar will dump Tuan as he is getting up my nose too…and that Sharon, who appears to be strung out on Angel Dust each week – it’s the only way to explain her foul mood swings. I still think there should be a UK/US special where Trump and Sugar head two Anglo-American teams in an Apprentice Battle Royale. Heck, give me a million quid for the idea, Mark Burnett.

TV is great at the moment. We have Sugar doing his grumpy Nookie Bear impression (that should get more Google hits) on the Apprentice, the new series of Doctor Who begins on 15 April and my Uncle Don Load is supplying me with some great stuff from the US. For example, we get TWO doses of the Apprentice every week thanks to Donald Trump’s original show airing for a fifth season parallel with our own show. The US series is still superior to our own because there really is a sense of wealth and splendour and the whizzy NY skylines compared to the drab and dreary cuts of London (now twinned with Brentwood) in our own show. Sugar might be an entrepreneur, but he is small potatoes compared to Trump and this limits the show somewhat. But what the heck, I am still enjoying both shows.
My new love is something called “American Inventor”. It’s like Dragon’s Den but without that Andy Serkis guy from the Lord of the Rings movies wittering on about his precious inventions and constantly fricking reiterating exactly what happened on the screen precisely 30 seconds after it has happened like we are all comatose goldfish stuck on the wrong side of the cathode ray bowl. But I digress…American Inventor takes the idea of Dragon’s Den of finding clever inventions and combines it with a Pop Idol type panel – heck, even Peter Jones from Dragon’s Den appears on the show as the mean and sensible Englishman – a bit like Simon Cowel but without the good teeth. The show works so well because it manages to parade the right combination of genuinely clever inventions with socially inept crackpots and those inventors with a sob story. Like the guy who sold everything, left his wife and is living in his car to push his idea for “Bullletball” – a game which is basically pingpong without the net and without the paddles and you use your hands to hit the ball. He wanted it to be an Olympic sport – the guy had clearly forgotten to take his medication.
It is so brilliantly wonderful that the Media Guardian reported today that there is a bidding war to bring a UK version. I don’t think a UK version would work because we already have Dragon’s Den for that, but they should immediately put the US series on ITV2. It shows just why US TV shows like this are better than our own because they have more entertaining nutters than we have here.
Uncle Don also sent me the second US series of the Office which has now eclipsed its UK version on the funny scale. Watching the Gervais version now quite an ordeal of tedium. Funny how it goes. Over here, still liking “My Name is Earl” which has a novel concept and has characters that are instantly likeable, even though they might have a dubious past. Jason Lee rules with his Tom Selleck moustache.
Anyway, enough with the TV talk, you will think I’ve got square eyes!

Not much to report today – though I have developed a rather large spot on the back of my right knee, which is absolutely excrutiating. I can’t squeeze it for fear of saying the world’s loudest expletive and walking is sore as the material of my trousers rubs against it. It is too cold to walk the street trouserless and I don’t fancy being locked up as the Loughton Loony just yet. Tomorrow, I will post a picture of Alex and his new haircut. Or is that a furcut?
Names for things, which don’t have names:
Back of the knee
A dog’s haircut
Answers on the proverbial postcard, please.
In the post: a freebie from Sony. A little case to hold things for the PSP. Aaahhh, it was a nice surprise but utterly useless to my needs. Might come in handy in the future, who knows.

So where to begin, dear reader? Life here seems to be turning into a rather badly written soap opera. I do not like this at all. My mother works near where I live at at a local newsagents and the fellow who was responsible for the attack on Alex the Wonderdog is a regular customer. She has kept her cool and not said a word to this fellow since the incident. It is not in her interest to do so in her place of work. However, yesterday, dear Mr Idiot of Colebrook Lane began to verbally abuse my 60 year old mother in a shop of customers. It seems that he wasn’t too happy that he was reported to the RSPCA and the Epping Forest Council Dog Warden and had discovered who the lady serving him was. He was not a happy bunny at all. Ahhh, poor liddle soldier. It seems that it was all lies. I was a liar. His dog never attacked my dog. It never happened. His dog was innocently sniffing my dog. And if the attack had happened, then he would have paid my vet’s bill. Hmmm…where to start on that little lot, eh?
Anyway, my mum related all this to me over a cup of tea last night and I told her that I was glad that she got to witness this man’s stupidity close up. At the time of the incident, he was in complete denial that his dog was attacking my dog (despite the screams from Alex) or even attempted to control his dog and that’s why the altercation began that resulted in my finger being bitten. It seems that he is still in denial. She wanted to post the pictures of Alex’s injuries through his letterbox to show what had happened, but I told my mother that there was no point. You cannot win an argument against an idiot. Even if we posted them, he would still deny his dog was responsible and that the blame lay squarely on my shoulders. We have nothing to prove, says I.
The upshot of this is that Mr Idiot told my mother that he has reported me to the police for the incident and so I await the arrival of the boys in blue to cart yours truly away for assault. You will visit me when I go to prison, won’t you?

That was a possible title for the CD I am working on, but Faith No More used it in 1997. Anyhoo, been knuckling down and doing some recording and editing all the bits and pieces I’ve got to make this conflageration of awful sounds. The dreaded new CD (always feel a little pretentious when I start talking like this – ooooh, hark at ‘im, a right clever clogs and no mistake) is at the 38 minute stage. It started off as a kind of sequel to my Textures CD, which was a big piece of music made of lots of little 2 minute segments. There was a kind of theme running through this. This time around it is a more a patchwork of sound ideas rather than a suite or anything. I like what I am hearing and like the way it moves along, but I doubt anyone else will. It is too fragmented. Fragments was another possible title, but I am not too hot on it. Need a title and need it fast.

Anyway, did a bit of noodling yesterday and came up with the following fragment. The really great thing about my Godin XTSA guitar is that it is three guitars in one. How so, Darren? Well it is an electric guitar, a guitar synth controller and an acoustic guitar all rolled into one? How so, Darren? Well…it has a piezo pickup which makes it sound like an acoustic guitar. I wasn’t convinced at first, but by running the guitar through a Korg PX4A acoustic processor, it sings. It makes a sweet ol’ noise. This following noodle demonstrates that – it’s an improvised solo over a single guitar synth backing – recording in two passes, real time, no edits or overdubs. I even kept the mistakes in to keep it “real”.

Direct download: CLICK HERE
So I am 38 minutes in and I want to start going in a more electronic direction as most of the stuff I’ve been doing at the moment has been very guitar/ethnic orientated. Got to keep pushing those buttons, right.

Over at DGM Live, there’s a really great April Fool gag. It nearly got me, nearly…but it fulfills all the rules of an April Fool’s gag. It has enough believability and a few clues to shore it down as a gag. But it was well done…saved me the job on ProjeKction. 😉

Pain and agony, dear reader. Pain and agony and suffering. And weeping and wailing and arms a flailing. I have a case of the stomach cramps today and I am feeling as if someone has stabbed me in the gut. It hurts when I breath and when I move it is as if someone is wiggling the aforementioned knife. Well it’s all my own stupid fault. Yesterday, I needed to take Alex the Wonderdog to the vet, but my tummy was a little upset so I took a pill to control myself and now my bowels are in spasm. What a complete and utter fool I am. Will I ever fricking learn? Yes. No more tablets to control my irritable stomach. So I have dosed myself up with peppermint tablets and plenty of liquids and hopefully things will right themselves soon enough.
Today, we had a mobile dog groomer come and make both dogs look mighty purty. Unfortunately, Alex the Wonderdog put up such a struggle that it looks as if the groomer cut his fur with a knife and fork. She never even attempted to groom his tail, so it is still fluffy with 3+ months of growth. He looks like a dingo or African wild dog of the Serengheti. Of all the groomers, this woman was the worst and he looks in such a state, I couldn’t even face taking him out for walkies. Oh the embarrasment.
Last night, I caught the weather on BBC TV. Peter Cockcroft informed me that in the year 2080 the weather will be wetter. For a minute, I thought that I had fallen into an alternative dimension, but I looked at the Missus and she looked at me and we both looked at the TV and yes, Mr Cockroft was talking about the year 2080. Well chances are that I am going to be a long time dead. Good to see that the BBC really has its finger on the pulse and there I was only wanting the three-day forecast.
Roll on 2080, eh? At least there won’t be a hosepipe ban…

So we took Alex the Wonderdog to the vet today. It’s been over a week since he was attacked by a mastiff and the vet was amazed by his recovery. She was very pleased with his progress and the fact that the bruising had completely gone. She also noticed that Alex and our own demeanour were back to our regular chirpy selves. It was good to see the boy done good.
Did about 30 minutes of recording before I went to bed last night. It’s funny with all the problems I’ve been having in the recording department, my nerve has gone somewhat. I’ve noticed that my timing is a little bit out and I am not as relaxed as usual. This is because there is an underlying fear that on review a perfect take might be ruined by a large random crackle of noise. I am hoping to relax soon and get back into the swing of things, but the PC is still adding extraneous noises to my recordings where there are no noises. It is bugging the life out of me and I am seriously resisting spending more money I can’t spare to fix the problem. Grrr…
Anyways, the result of my musical noodling is the following track. The drum loop was put down on the Handsonic by me, the bass added later and then the lead guitar and rhythm guitar over that. It’s good. It’s got space. It’s not as tight as I hoped, but I like the vibe. The performance is iffy in places, but I might just keep the looseness of it as I think it adds to the ramshackle nature of the track. The Missus liked it when I played it to her and thought it was something different. I don’t get any other feedback from anywhere else so I am flying blind, as per usual. Enjoy!

Direct download: CLICK HERE
It’s almost that time again to send off more stock to CDBABY. Remember folks, I am always in need of guitar accoutrements, so buy, buy, buy some of my awful amateurish music. It’s good for the soul.
On the mindless crime front, after Monday’s broken car window shenanigans, the scumbags struck again on Tuesday night smasing at least three car windows in Colebrook Path. Alex went nuts at around 8.45pm (roughtly the same time as the previous night) giving me enough warning to run upstairs to peep out of the window. I saw a gang of around 6 to 8 white youths aged between 14-16 walking down the road in two columns, a few of the boys broke off to peer into car windows. I thought our car was going to get it and that I was ready to get another beating as I intervened, but thankfully they ignored us. It would be awfully presumptuous to assume that this group was the responsible for the three broken car windows further up the road, but my gut instinct and they way they were acting really makes me suspcious. Plus the fact that nothing had been stolen from the cars makes me thing that this is either an ongoing act of thuggish vandalism or a modern day take on a rite of passage. Funny old world, ain’ t it? Still ain’t figured it out yet…