Today was a disaster movie made flesh. We had a flash-flood that lasted an hour. A torrential downpour that actually scared me, but at least I discovered that I can cope under pressure. The shop suddenly flooded and I found myself armed with mop and bucket, trying my best to bail out. That failed, so I soaked up excess rain water with cardboard boxes and use the hard brush to force the water out of the shop. Thankfully, we held it back and won that battle.
As the rain seemed to subside, there was a small lightning flash in the distance. As I looked out of the shop doorway to see where the lightning was heading, there was an almightly flash of light and the crack of thunder almost instaneously after it. I leapt back, my vision a mess of colours and my teeth rattling in my head – my fillings felt like they were vibrating.
We had a massive electrical storm over the village, the resulting snaking bolt of lightning came in through the window upstairs, blew up my modem and AV amp that powers my surround sound system. In the shop, our PayPoint and credit card processing machine got fried. The funny thing is both the amp and the PayPoint machine were disconnected from the mains. The Missus and Baby V were in the living room at the time and saw the electrical charge come in through the room. The sound upset the baby. Normally, I would turn off electrical equipment and unplug it from the wall at the first sign of a lightning storm, but I didn’t even get the chance.
Truly terrifying.
This place is cursed.
I hate it so much.
Category: Diary
A topical joke:
The Beijing 2008 Olympics started today in China, but the only problem with having a Chinese Olympics is that 20 minutes later you want another one…
I than’ you!
For me, the single defining cop show of the 1980s was Bergerac. You can forget your Dempsey & Makepeace and your Cat’s Eyes, Bergerac was the cop for me. He was a man who was troubled by his demons who overcame alcoholism to take on the criminal tidal wave was ashore on Jersey’s picturesque beaches. OK, so some of the stories got ridiculous, but I still enjoy watching the first few series when they air on UK Really Old. It is my guilty pleasure and I am a Bergerac anorak, I admit it. I have no shame.
A few weeks ago, the current run of repeats came to an end on UK TV Old and it got me thinking if, like Doctor Who, the show could be revived for a modern audience. After catching ten pitiful minutes of John Nettles wasting his time in Midsomer Murders, I decided that I would write a script for fun. I’ve never written a TV script before, so I settled in front of the laptop for a couple of afternoons, bashing out a story that would thrill and scare in equal quantities.
This was to be a modern Bergerac. The early episodes were pretty gritty and quite violent, so I got to work putting that stuff back in. I am also a fan of two great crime movies “Get Carter” starring Sir Michael Caine and “The Squeeze” starring Stacey Keach (it is a totally overlooked cult movie that features some tough moments as well as using a track from Olias of Sunhillow by Jon Anderson as part of the soundtrack – weird!), so I wanted this new script to be gritty like them.
OK – I know this will never get made and I wrote it for the pure pleasure of it. If you are a fan of Bergerac, download it, print out a copy and go to bed with it. I am sure you will be entertained – or at least horrified by it.
Here is “The Return of Bergerac”
And for the Googlebots: Bergerac, Jersey, John Nettles, Terence Alexander, St Helier, BBC TV, detective series 1980s
I am a screaming statwhore and so I am always checking exactly how much data is being sucked out of this website. It gives me a satisfying feeling that I am shoving over 100Gb of music down the open mouths of the unwary Internet traveller looking for free MP3 files. Though I must admit I became rather alarmed today when I noticed that yesterday I had racked up over 70Gb of traffic in one day. One day…70Gb of data whooshing from here to who knows where. That scared me. Scared me lots…
I mean that’s probably the daily rate of a hardcore porn site or something? So I checke and it turned out that for some unknown reason one of my older songs had racked an unbelievable 27000+ access. The song is “Jolly Good Mood Music” and gawd knows why it is proving to be so popular? It was recorded 10 years ago when I was still struggling with the mystical art of sound recording and is a bit shite. Oh well, who can explain it?
Meanwhile, I managed to fix the wobbly audio on my “Seville” video and I’ve uploaded a High-Def version so you can see every spot and pock-mark on my corpulant, sweaty, saggy sad old face. Look at that face…it’s as if Droppy the Dog has mated with a badly stuffed cushion. Poor bastard. Look at those blood-shot, tired eyes…what must his baby daughter think when she sees such a vision at the side of her cot?
Well she just laughs at me, because I am officially the funniest thing in her world. And that suits me fine…
By the way, you can download the Hi-Def video from here
Mr Oz posted this comment on an entry last week about feeling insecure about music creation. Mr Oz is the pseudonym of long-ago recording buddy and chat chum, Andrew Osborne. My replies to his comments are italised.
Mr Oz wrote:
a) Told you so (that’s it’s a difficult thing to define/justify/satisfy oneself at).
b) I now risk hijacking your Blog.
Well you aren’t hijacking and it isn’t that difficult. The problem with some of us humans, the creative ones, the ones that think too much is just that. We think too much. A lot of the creative process should be thrown open to instinct and the gut, rather than the brain. Sometimes the brain just gets in the way. It’s just when someone asks you questions about something you never really think about, you tend to start over-analysing. I’m over it now.
For me:
…because the physical act of playing an instrument is intrinsically enjoyable. I’d argue it’s A Man Thing, involving “manual” labour and tools;
This is true. Playing the electric guitar is an incredibly macho thing to do. It really is an extension of the penis; from the way the guitar is slung low, to the “look at me” expression and the “I can play this fast” bravado. I don’t really class myself as a man though – I know it sounds weird but to call yourself a “man” often pigeonholes you into the beery leery, Clarkson, forever young Peter Pan never growing-up, facile face of masculinity. I believe that there’s more to men than that – we’ve just not been allowed to express it yet. Get in touch with your feminine side, dude. Yer missus won’t mind you trying on her undies, honest!
…because as I get older I realise just how mediocre I am at most things, and would like to prove to myself/others that I’m superior at one thing at least;
Ahhh, superiority/inferiority complex. Never really suffered from that. I know I am pretty crappy at the guitar, but I have an insatiable drive to create, so that makes up for any lack of dexterity or “talent” – this is often derision from other guitarists. The thing about YouTube is very often I’ll get one comment that is intended to wound me. Such a comment is this (verbatim): “You’ve got a lot of expensive equipment there. Shame you are so shit”. That always makes me giggle as it reveals a lot about the poster than it does about the player. Maybe men really are that facile? But ask yourself Mr OZ, is this a good reason to play?
…because I strive to express myself (or to paraphrase Mr Oldfield, I want to create a musical world I’d want to live in);
Self-expression is a good motivation, but you have to have something to say or a vision or an aim. A marksman without an aim will just shoot into the air.
…altho it rarely happens, I want to perform, or be ready to perform, because I want to feel I’m an artist, a star, part of something;
I see. I think you should be prepared to stand alone first, to say: “This is me. This is who I am”. A lot of people hide behind bands or excuses and never discover that inner voice. Look for yourself, dude.
…because despite finding that I can’t achieve the above, I can’t help myself.
The thing that has always bugged me about you is that you have oodles of potential but you just don’t know how to unlock it. I’ve tried to guide you and give you a few pointers, but unless you make the leap on your own, you are in a self-fulfilling circle of doubt. A lot of musicians concentrate on performing other people’s music. Sit down and compose yourself. It could be the simplest of tunes, but compose for you. If you have to compose for someone else, compose a nursery rhyme for your children or a silly song for them. Use your talent to make something, rather than skirting around the issue.
Probably only the last point is true. When you started your newsagenting, it sounded like you weren’t going to get the opportunity or energy to produce anything, but you have – hinting that the same is true for you. You are genetically disposed to want to make music. Failing to do it to your own standards is not a good enough reason not to strive to get there.
It is the creative process. I like doing silly stuff: whether it is writing stories no-one will ever read or recording music that no-one will buy, you have to do it to entertain yourself. Record the album that you want to hear, rather than the one you think your friends want to hear. Being creative is very selfish, very arrogant and very conceited. All those facets of your character need to be developed.
AND FWIW, my contribution to the Load gear is some of my best and most interesting playing, and the finished product of high quality that I’m proud to pass on to friends. And I always thought my musical paranoia was greater than yours. Go figure.
LOAD was a very interesting project for me, which I found very useful. I listened to it not that long ago and was surprised by some of the ideas floating about in there. The good thing about working with someone else is you will get dragged in directions you don’t necessarily want to go and so you have to learn to react in a different way. If I knew you were up to it and had the conviction I would propose LOAD 2.
Do 3rd parties ever read comments?
Yes.
Verity searches the horizon for any duck-related activity…
Look a duck and a goose, with a bench.