It’s been over a week since I did that radio interview about my music and although I don’t think it has been broadcast yet (in fact, I have no idea when it will be broadcast), my mind keeps going back to it and mulling over the conversation. I don’t really go much for self-analysis when it comes to my creative endeavours. To coin the trainer advert, I just do it. But for the first time ever, I’ve suddenly got a little insecure about this musical hobby of mine. Why am I doing this? Why bother? Listening back it is so obvious that I am no musician by any stretch of the imagination. If I look at it logically, it makes no sense. So why do it?
Then something the interviewer said about playing my music live keep coming back. I’d love to, really, but my lack of confidence in my abilities and the music means that this will never happen. As I said to the guy, I wouldn’t pay to listen to this, so why would anyone else? That comment struck home…it struck to the core of me and goes back to the question: why do I do this? I don’t know. It is bothering me and upsetting me in equal quantities – but isn’t living your life just wasting time until the final breath? Too fatalistic, Darren…brighten up.
On a lighter note, we took a few hours out to take Verity to see the ducks. (I am going to attach the pix I have uploaded to Flickr – so I guess these’ll appear as separate entries or something!)
Stupidly Insecure
a) Told you so (that’s it’s a difficult thing to define/justify/satisfy oneself at).
b) I now risk hijacking your Blog.
For me:
…because the physical act of playing an instrument is intrinsically enjoyable. I’d argue it’s A Man Thing, involving “manual” labour and tools;
…because as I get older I realise just how mediocre I am at most things, and would like to prove to myself/others that I’m superior at one thing at least;
…because I strive to express myself (or to paraphrase Mr Oldfield, I want to create a musical world I’d want to live in);
…altho it rarely happens, I want to perform, or be ready to perform, because I want to feel I’m an artist, a star, part of something;
…because despite finding that I can’t achieve the above, I can’t help myself.
Probably only the last point is true. When you started your newsagenting, it sounded like you weren’t going to get the opportunity or energy to produce anything, but you have – hinting that the same is true for you. You are genetically disposed to want to make music. Failing to do it to your own standards is not a good enough reason not to strive to get there.
AND FWIW, my contribution to the Load gear is some of my best and most interesting playing, and the finished product of high quality that I’m proud to pass on to friends. And I always thought my musical paranoia was greater than yours. Go figure.
Do 3rd parties ever read comments?