A particularly miserable dream sets the mood for the day. I’m not telling the dream because, well, I’ve decided to “edit” what appears on this site. Don’t want certain things to be read by certain people. Mysterious stuff, eh? Anyway, this dark cloud that came down is hanging around me and has done for the past week or so. I try and lift it with music, dog walking, guitar playing, cider drinking, but it is deep at the heart of me. It can only be described as a combination of abject misery and apathy. I don’t like it, but I knew it was coming when I put the finishing touches on my “God Pays Debts” music box-set. Whenever a large project finishes, the depression comes along to fill the vacuum that was once held at bay by being creative.
But at the moment, I am just fed up with everything. Every time I try and do something positive and forward-moving, I get knocked back. Everything ends with nothing. I’m tired of trying. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. I don’t know. What I do know is that the decluttering continues and I have decided to sell the rest of my record collection – holding back certain titles that are dear to me. I look at all the CDs in the crates and think back to a different time, to a different Darren, a younger, more youthful, more optimistic Darren. I know I can’t be that man anymore, so the CDs and the past have to go. You can’t hold onto these things.
As I have said to The Missus, if the house was on fire I’d make sure she and the dog were safe first before running back into the house to retrieve items that mean something to me. Would I retrieve my record collection? No. Instead, I would probably retrieve my guitar and my own CDs. Again, I think the problem is that I am listening/creating my own music more and so I don’t really have the inclination to listen to anyone else’s. Maybe this is an insular view but it’s what’s working for me at the moment.
I need a new project to work on, but feel too tired to engage with my guitar or anything else. The remaining energy I have I have to put aside for work. This could be down to the onset of winter, I don’t know. Got to take the rough with the smooth, no? As a great philosopher said:
Got to pay your dues if you wanna sing the blues,
And you know it don’t come easy.
You don’t have to shout or leap about,
You can even play them easy.
Forget about the past and all your sorrows,
The future won’t last,
It will soon be over tomorrow.
I don’t ask for much, i only want your trust,
And you know it don’t come easy.

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