Yesterday, we attended the baptism of our niece. She the child of my brother-in-law. It was a fair trek across to Hemel Hempstead and it didn’t help matters that we were running late and forgot the baby’s 1st birthday presents. Luckily, we made it in time and I found myself having front row seats right in front of the Vic. The usual Christian mumbo-jumbo was said and I pleased myself by remembering the Lord’s Prayer by heart – a throwback to being a good Christian during my schooldays. The child was very well-behaved during the ceremony and screaming was kept to a minimum. Hurrah!
Afterwards, there was a reception/birthday party in the church hall. I am terrified by social situations like this but you are obligated, aren’t you? I put on my best face and was non-commital throughout, ensuring that I didn’t annoy anyone that I spoke to. Well done, Darren. Another family disaster averted by your contrary views. You kept your mouth buttoned up tight, an admirable feat of almost tantric self-control. Bridges were built and we were actually invited to a family BBQ in the summer. Normally, we are NOT invited to these things, so my new strategy of not talking is paying off. Just agree with everyone, it is safer. Agree and nod your head and laugh and do all the gestures that infer that you are enjoying yourself. In the past I would have said: “I disagree with XYZ – even though what those people were saying was complete BS” but that gets you into trouble. Just shut up. Shut up and agree with everyone. Tell them what they want to hear, rather than what you want to say. It worked. I am a social success.
The only thing more terrifying than strangers in a social situation for me is children running loose. People are unpredictable and children doubly so. Everyone who met us said: “So when are you going to be next?” implying that we are going to start dropping sprogs at the first opportunity. Of course, we prefer practising rather than doing the practical exam. I kept telling the Missus: “Just tell them that I am clinically sterile after a bout of childhood mumps. That will shut them up.” But she never did and so we went along with it and laughed about it and all the while I keep thinking to myself why are people so obsessed with our fertility (or lack of it)? Throughout my life, I’ve had various people and strangers ask varieties of the old “When are you…?” question.
“When are you going to get your hair cut?”
“When are you going to get a job?”
“When are you going to leave home?”
“When are you going to get married?”
“When are you going to have kids?”
“When are you going to get divorced?”
Et cetera to the point of absolute tedium.
God, I must sound like a grouch, but despite my recent whinging yesterday did have a positive effect. It was nice to get out and socialise. I enjoyed the baptism and reception a lot – it was good fun. As I have very little social interaction with anyone other than The Missus and my mother, it is good to meet other people and say to yourself: “Well I might be a complete dick, but at least I’m not like him” remembering the pent-up aggressive salesman type who promised us in conversation that one day the pressure of the world would get so much for all us men that we would run amok and slaughter our families. Of course, I agreed, because that’s what I do now. I agree. Ain’t I a clever boy?
Before we went to this baptism, I said to The Missus that I had worked out that last year I had actually spoken (in a coversational sense) to less than 15 people. This makes me sound like a crank, but I live a very secluded life. It is self-imposed, I guess. But what do you do when all your friends at school go off and do other things while you go to University? How do you make friends at university when all your peers are of a different social standing and look down on you? Making friends at work is also an equally pointless exercise as you invariably lose touch or, as I have found, that there was never any real friendship there in the first place. You hang around together out of desperation because there’s no one else to go to the pub with. The problem with people is that I am a bit of a mug and I always end up getting taken advantage of, so I avoid them. Plus I am shy. And I’m lazy too. So this combination hardly makes me eligible for best friend material!
Don’t get me wrong, I am not asking for sympathy, I am just thinking aloud and providing some kind of narrative to my life. Being an only child, I have never had any problem being by myself. I am a creative sort who is happy when left alone, but the Missus thinks it is a bit unhealthy. I guess it can be, you just need to keep a grip on reality. (Where did that pink elephant come from?) Whenever I think of this topic of being sociable and having friends, I always think back to my dear old dad.
I remember, I couldn’t have been five or six when he took me to one side and told me that no-one liked me and I’d never have any friends. He was a good bloke was my old dad (sarcasm). As you can imagine, this fried my mind for a while and I spent the next couple of weeks asking everyone if they liked me, causing my nan to get very worried about me. I never did tell my mother or my nan what this was about, but I am telling you now. Ain’t the Internet weird? As I have got older, I realise that what my father was telling me wasn’t a statement of fact, but a curse. I believe I am cursed.
Either that or I really am barking mad…
Today, Operation Colonic Irrigation continues and I am having another clear-out. More DVDs on eBay, more CDs too – a lot of stuff is going because a boy needs to grow up into a man. If you hold onto this stuff, there’s just more fuel to the fire when the house burns down, no?

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