You are allowed to enjoy this…

Seeing as pantomime season is well and truly upon us, let’s get into the spirit of things:

Taken from: http://www.richardpryor.com/
All together now:
“Oh yes you are!”

My life is pretty mundane. However, this week the saga of the envelopes has been thoroughly gripping. After mistakenly receiving an office whiteboard, my envelopes duly arrived yesterday. It was a box of H5 sized envelopes. Great, I think. I open the box, take out a new envelope and try it for size. Yes, yes, yes. The folders fit nicely inside the envelope. Well done, Darren, for making another excellent choice.
At about 18.30 (or half past six) I got a phonecall. It went something like this:
John the Delivery Man: Hello. It’s John the delivery man.
Me: Hello
JTDM: I made a mistake with your order.
Me: I know. I received a whiteboard.
JTDM: Did you?
Me: Yes. The other day. You delivered a whiteboard instead of some envelopes. But the people at the office depot said I could keep the whiteboard for my troubles.
JTDM: Oh. Anyway, those envelopes for you. They are the wrong ones. Could you check the label. They are addressed for Something Something Lane.
Me: OK. I’ll check
I run off downstairs to the cupboard where I keep my stationary in the vast Complex Lock HQ and check the address. Indeed it is address to Something Something Lane rather than Darren Lock Mega Industries Incorporated.
Me: Yes. The address is wrong. I opened the box but didn’t use any envelopes. I’ll seal it up again.
JTDM: OK. I’ll be over tomorrow to collect them and swap them with your box.
So I am a little put out, but it’s not the end of the world. So today, after coming back from lunchtime walk with Alex the Wonderdog and the Missus, I see a familiar white van zooming off into the distance. Bugger, I think. I’ve missed the delivery driver, but when I get to the doorstep I see a box of envelopes.
Further investigation reveals that these are my envelopes. Same size, same quantity, the only difference is that the wrong envelopes are white and the right envelopes are buff. (Are you following this?) So anyway, now I have 100 fricking H5 sized envelopes when I only wanted a dozen or so in the first place and a whiteboard that I didn’t need at all. Just think, at the beginning of the week I had a deficit of H5 envelopes and whiteboards and now I have a surplus.
Last night: The Missus went out for some Xmas boozefest. Despite my warnings, she fell asleep on the train and woke up at Epping, leaving myself and Alex the Wonderdog shivering outside Debden station for half an hour. Brrr…
Walked the old lush home and put her to bed, then the evening was topped off by me emptying the sick bucket. Oh well, she’s been there for me during my glory years.

So I order some envelopes from my usual office supply vendor. Imagine my surprise when a box of padded envelopes do not arrive, but a whiteboard for office presentations turns up instead. So I duly inform them of the error and they tell me I can keep the whiteboard (whoo-hooo!) and a new box of envelopes will be dispatched. Now I have no need for a whiteboard, I scribble all my insane plans for world domination on a standard post-it note usually, so I am wondering what I can do with this large item. Anyone want a free whiteboard? I’m hoping that my faithful office supply company messes up and mistakenly delivers an Xbox 360 instead…but somehow I don’t think that’s going to happen, do you?
Then I decide that I need to restock on some guitar supplies. I’ve just received my $45 from CDBABY for all the songs I’ve sold electronically and I’m feeling kinda flush. So I order some bass strings, some guitar strings, some polish for my new guitar, boring guitar stuff. I hit the payment button and the website bums out. I try two more times and nothing – no payment processing. Then I receive an email today telling me that it was my fault and that my credit card details were wrong – no, no, no…the error message said something about “failure to connect to the database” not “Darren bleeped up”. I replied I told them about their glitch. Then this afternoon I had some sales spod from that shop trying to contact me on the phone. The hard sell, eh?
Internet shopping isn’t supposed to be like this, is it?
In the post: Christmas cards. Not really for me, but I married the popular one, so I get to share the cards. Whoopsie-fricking-doodle.
Worked on “No Concessions” (working title) last night and used a load of EQ on the drum pattern to turn it into a bass drum only track in order to let the psuedo-acoustic guitars breathe. It’ll do. Textures II is now in the region of 17 minutes long with a further possible seven minutes committed to disk in various formats. Not really sure if this is working out too well. Hmmmm…I think that I am thinking to much and not doing nearly enough. C’mon where’s that gut instinct you bleat on about, you imbecile.
Today, had an unpleasant accident. Not revealing further details because:
1) It was unpleasant
2) It was an accident
Just making a note of it here for future reference, so I can say: “It was on 7 December 2005 that I had that unpleasant accident”.

Stupid boy! I forgot to include the demo I had recorded last night.

This marks the introduciton of the Godin XTSA guitar into my permanent setup. It is my first “solo” recorded with that guitar. Well I like it and I don’t care if no-one else does. 🙂

I hate those days when you wake with a headache and it stays with you until you go to bed. That was yesterday and no matter how many pills I took, the headache lingered. I spent some time getting my “Dead Rock Star” campaign together and going through the Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook finding publishers and agents. There aren’t that many publishers accepting unsolicited manuscripts, so I am approaching more agents. Of course, I could send out introductory letters trying to drum up some interest, but the way things are reading, getting an agent is the way in. So I have prepared seven folders to go out. Each folder is tailor-made for each agent/publisher with an introductory letter, synopsis, brief biog and the various amount of pages requested by each approachee. Some want the first three chapters, some want four, some want 30 pages, some want 50 pages, etc. So each folder is individual and personalised.
Of course, I am a dummy and I forgot to order any envelopes the other day and so I have these yellow folders cluttering up my room. Another delay in the campaign. Ho hum. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I am more likely to pass a solid gold bicycle from my bottom than get this book published, but you have to try. And believe me, I am very trying.
Yesterday evening, did some recording with the new guitar. The piece isn’t finished yet and is more just a way of me getting used to the new instrument and ease myself back into the creative process of soloing. When I am returning to recording after a long period, I often just put down a simple chord sequence and do my best to solo/improvise over the top of it. For me, this is a way of loosening myself up and it helps me re-learn my guitar neck. Sometimes a good performances presents itseelf like it did last night. On the third pass, I came up with this very workable solo. However, for the piece to now work, I need to re-record the bass and possible the rhythm guitars to fit with the new solo. This is how I work…a series of happy accidents…broad strokes…refinements…smudges and smears…blowing the dust from the canvas…a final touch and…viola…there is music!
In the post: nothing. I think the postman is ignoring me. Mind you, I think my new glasses have impressed him. He even made eye contact with me the other day and did the “Alright?” nod of the head that men that don’t know each other too well do to each other to acknowledge the other’s presence.
Talking of the new glasses, I am worrying that they are actually making my eyesight worse. When I don’t wear them, things look even more blurry than they did before. On the good side, my permanently twitching eye seems to have cleared up completely. I think it must have been eye strain that was causing that.