Category: Diary


No, you are the cow…

One of the things about village life (and particularly this village) is how fucking rude some of the wizened old cunts are who live here. Now if I were a brain surgeon or someone who had a job of great responsibility whose merest mistake would result in death and destruction for those involved, then I could understand that anger and vitriol of those whose lives I’ve wrecked with the slip of a scapel or poor decision behind a desk in Whitehall.

However, for my sins, I bought a newsagents shop. Yes, a shop, that predominately sells newspapers. One of the main responsibilities we have is to get newspapers to our delivery customers and this is brought about by our team of paper boys. Now, there’s a lot I can moan about in this business, but our boys aren’t one of them. They are loyal, hard-working and helpful and I will not have a word said against them. I will defend them till my last breath, because without them…well…I’d have to deliver the papers…
But seriously, we have a good team and though sometimes there might be lateness or a missed day, they are good at what they do. We support them and I believe the majority of the boys we’ve employed have either gone onto college or gotten proper jobs in the real world. I like to think that we provide a little of the foundation of that.

I am glad that I have a hands-off approach to the business today because my poor suffering mother had to deal with grumpy customer one (for gossip hounds, names and addresses will be published when I leave here – it should make tasty reading). They phoned saying that there paper was late, but no mind they would collect it. So far, so good – nothing wrong with that so far – customers sometimes appreciate that we have a “paperboy malfunction” and are gracious enough to accept it.
On seeing the customer’s car outside the shop, my mother picks up saved newspaper and magazine and delivers it to the customer who is sitting in their car. Again, so far, so good. Nothing to report here – no incident could possibly happen? This has happened before and customers usually just drive off with their papers and their delivery charge refunded.

A few minutes later customer returns to the shop, only this time she is irate. Someone has sounded their horn at her while she was sitting in her car and somehow it is all our fault. She wants retribution so she cancels her papers there and then, tells us we should fire the paper boy and then goes into a rant about how our business is worthless and shouldn’t be for sale for the amount it is. They want us to lose our money, they want us to fail, they don’t like us, etc. The final nail in the coffin is if she had the money she’d buy the business and fire the lot of us her tirade is punctuated by her calling my mother a “cow”. The incident is so quick that it is all that my mother can respond by saying that we are leaving anyway.
I have the video footage of this from our security camera and the incident only lasts about a minute, but what a minute. I always thought I was a little paranoid about this place but, for whatever reason, they really do hate us. They don’t appreciate the awful time we’ve had here or the fact that 99% of the time their papers arrive in a timely fashion and get good daily service.

The next customer step forward and does her best to calm my mother who is a little rattled by the experience. But this is one of the reasons I don’t stand down there because if anyone ever spoke to me in that fashion I think I would do them an injury.

Norfolkers are a breed to themselves – while the majority of them are friendly enough, there’s a real undercurrent of resentment, hatred and spitefulness in some of them and this extends not only to us “foreigners” but to their neighbours, their own families or anyone else out there who they perceive might have done them wrong. Whereas we might bitch and curse about the world privately or in our dark moments alone, these people act it out and often cut off their nose to spite their face.

I am glad that we are on our way… (Fingers crossed)

Fear and Loathing in Norfolk/Change of Life

I knocked this track up tonight. The first piece is a pithy little instrumental based around some silly drum stuff I come up with courtesy of Superior Drummer software, which is pretty nifty stuff. I just did a little knockabout bit on the virtual kit and then added the bass and guitars afterwards.
This seques into “Change of Life” a little song about striking out and doing brave new things – escaping the rut. The idea is that these two songs are the preface to a song cycle (can’t believe I just wrote that) about my experiences of the past three years. Yes, half of “The Luckiest Man in the World” collection is going to be a concept album. Ye gods, is nothing sacred!?!?!?!?
Here are the words so you can sing along:

Change of Life
You’ve got to change
Evolve
Don’t sit still
Find another way to go
It’s easy to stay
The same
In the old rut
Playing the same old game
Change your life
Take on new challenges
Change your life
And grow exponentially
Change your life
against the grain
Change your life
You’re not coming this way again
Go find something new
A way of life
To get your teeth into
Forget what you’ve
Been
Put that behind you
And start clean
Change your life
Take on new challenges
Change your life
And grow exponentially
Change your life
against the grain
Change your life
You’re not coming this way again

Fear and Loathing in Norfolk/Change of Life



Direct download: CLICK HERE

More Sentimental Twaddle

So I finally got around to writing and recording the titular track from the new collection. The ravages of time are obviously weighing heavy on me as I have penned some sentimental old twaddle about me and The Missus. The shame, the shame! I am losing my edge, no?
I’m not totally satisfied with it because the drum track is lacking. I was aiming for a sort of laid-back almost invisible drum track, but while my playing is meant to be behind the beat, I sometimes miss the beat, play ahead of the beat and even forget there’s even meant to be a beat there!

The Luckiest Man in the World
I might be a dreamer
I might be a fool
I might be a chancer
Who sticks to the rules
I might be a saint
I might be a sinner
I might be a loser
I’m certainly no winner
But you and me
We’ve got history
And memories
They can’t take away from me
I’ve gone to seed
And I’ve lost my hair
But you make me feel
The luckiest man in the world
I might be old
I might be jaded
You cannot argue
That my looks have faded
I might be a fighter
Who gave up the fight
I might be a guy
Who always tried to do what is right
But you and me
We’ve got history
And memories
They can’t take away from me
I’ve gone to seed
And I’ve lost my hair
But you make me feel
The luckiest man in the world

The Luckiest Man in the World



Direct download: CLICK HERE

START [Legacy Edition] – Now Available!!!

The unique thing about this slab of sonix from 1999 is that I actually played the drums throughout the whole recording. There’s only one drum loop used, the rest is just me whacking my way through pieces in my own style. I’m not a drummer, no sirree. I have aspirations to play the drums, but environmental limitations have always prevented me from having my own proper kit.

Back in 1999, I invested some of my yearly musical budget spend on a Roland SPD20, which was a eight rubber squares for me to hit and allowed me to connect footpedals, etc. At that time, I was enamoured with the idea of having an electronic drumkit because I was listening to a lot of King Crimson (Hi Sid!) and very interested in what their drummer Pat Mastelotto was doing on drums. He was using exclusively an electronic kit and I really like the sound he was making. So this was my sad, pathetic attempt to commune with my heroes and so it came to pass I had an electronic drumkit, of sorts. But it needed to be mounted on a proper drum stand for me to get any use from it.
I went to a drum shop in Walthamstow where the propreitor, a very nice old man, was very helpful. Explaining my needs, he took me to the part of the shop which dealt with all the second-hand junk and looked like something the Jawas from the first proper Star Wars film might have inhabited.

He scrabbled around amongst the steel frames and connectors and looping, arching, abandoned drum stands that had seen their day and managed to pull out this really manky tubular frame. But on inspection, and despite its appearances being diminished by a layer of thick dust after years of abandonement, I realised this percussion frame was ideal for my needs. Asking the price, the man said without hesitation “£20” and the deal was struck. And so for a very reasonable amount of cash, I had my first and only drum frame on which to mount my SPD20, its pads and snaking entanglement of connecting leads.

spd20.JPG
My SPD20-based electronic “drum kit”

While it wasn’t a fully-featured virtual drum kit in the style of the V-Drums range that Roland produces, it filled a rhythmic need in me at that point. I also couldn’t afford to invest thousands of pounds on a proper set of electronic drums when my budget was more like £500. I had this kit for about five years before I sold it on. I appears here and there, mainly providing rhythmic accentuations – cymbal splashes, touches of ethnic percussion, and very rarely (like in this instance) full blown performances.

This “START” album was originally recorded around June 1999. It was a different time, I had a different set of responsibilities, I was still living in a flat in Leytonstone and working in a proper job in the industry they call media. It was meant to be experimental, different, forward-thinking, edgy. But at the time, the limitations of my playing and my music software shone through. None of the mistakes were edited, there were bits where the music software/soundcard stretched the sound so things were a little out of sync, and parts of it sounded as if it were recorded underwater because I knew bugger all about EQ settings in the music software I was using.

Start Album Cover
START
“START” is my equivalent to Mike Oldfield’s “Hergest Ridge”. It is the album that got left at the back of the cupboard and is unloved. Until now, that is. I’ve had some real fun revisiting the tracks and “putting things right”. Luckily, all the master tracks were available and complete, so nothing was missing.

Being true to the spirit of the original, I’ve not done too many edits and left as many of the fluffs in as I can. I’ve only tightened things up a bit where before they were slightly out of synch. But everything sounds better, and it almost sounds like a new recording. I am very pleased with it now and amazed by some of the ideas going on there.
With the tracks “6s and 7s” “At the Temple” and “Working Backwards”, the drums/percussion are played by me as live. This is why those tracks have a unique feel and sound quite different to anything else I’ve done. Only “Sort it Out” features pre-recorded loops created by a piece of software called MixMan.

In the instance of “Working Backwards” I remember sitting at the kit in the flat and banging around for about ten minutes with computer recording me. Then I reviewed what I played and edited down for size down to three minutes by lopping the beginning section off. The song was then constructed around this complete rhythm track by adding bass, synth and then the melodic details until the song as we know it emerged. It was like painting a sound picture, adding layers of colour and detail until the finished work emerged.

This 2010 edition sounds like a completely new album and is worth a listen purely for my laughable drumming. I’m presenting it here as one complete piece of music, but it is divided up into 12 separate tracks all linked together.
START
Featuring:
(i) Start
(ii) 6s and 7s
(iii) Sahara
(iv) A Cool Breeze
(v) At the Temple
(vi) Sort it Out
(vii) Fireside Dreaming
(viii) Starshine Falling
(ix) An Awkward Phase
(x) Acoustique
(xi) Reflections
(xii) Finish: Working Backwards
Due to the downloads and listens I was getting for this collection, I have made an official release of it so you can now purchase CDs and downloads.
CDBABY CD PURCHASE
ITUNES PURCHASE

You Are Allowed to Enjoy This…

I wrote this lyric a little while ago and had an idea for the hook being a synthesised robot type of voice, but I wasn’t sure how to pull this off using my sonic arsenal. I was looking for a sort of auto-tune effect, but I don’t have the cash for that kind of software. So when Native Instruments released “The Mouth” plugin for Reaktor 5, I knew I would be able to pull off the effect I was looking for.
So here is this song. It a little swipe at the Twitter generation and the Internet in general. Oh, bite the hand, etc. No – I just think there’s an awful lot of tripe out there, mainly coming from Twitter, which has undermined the artform that was blogging. Why write artful prose when you can say that you had corn flakes for breakfast and still stay within your character limit.
Enjoy!

You Are Allowed to Enjoy This…
21st century
New morality
No time to worry
About the consequences
Do what you want
Do what you feel
It’s OK
Because none of this is real
You are allowed to enjoy this
You are allowed to enjoy this
You are allowed to enjoy this
You are allowed to enjoy this
Steal what’s not real
Live a yourself lie
Share your secrets
In a virtual world
Say what you want
Say how you feel
Shout into the void
‘Cos none of this is real
You are allowed to enjoy this
You are allowed to enjoy this
You are allowed to enjoy this
You are allowed to enjoy this
Report every thought
Like you are important
I know you
Better than you know yourself
Don’t sit on the fence
Have an opinion
Who cares what you think
‘Cos none of this is real
You are allowed to enjoy this
You are allowed to enjoy this
You are allowed to enjoy this
You are allowed to enjoy this
21st century
New morality
Nobody knows
What is right anymore
Indulge yourself
Expose yourself
Destroy yourself
‘Cos none of this is real

You Are Allowed to Enjoy This



Direct download: CLICK HERE

Funeral for a Friend

So today was the funeral of Jim Sims (from Leyton) – I am spelling his name just in case any of his children search for him in future and want to know what happened to their father. Funerals aren’t for the dead, but for the living and even though this is my third funeral, they don’t get any easier to attend. The religious symbolism and structure of the proceedings always jars me as an atheist though I impressed myself for remembering the Lord’s Prayer word for word – something we were trained to do by rote as kids. I knew it would come in useful one day.
The service was modest, only five people attending: myself, the Missus, my mother and Jim’s ex-landlady and her son, who had known him for almost as long as we had. I was a little upset that his eldest son didn’t attend (for whatever reason) – we had tried to trace him and passed on messages to his mother, but who knows the whys and wherefores of why people act they way they do? This is why I am posting this, in that anyone who knew of Jim Sims (born in Dunbarton in 1947) can get in touch and I will tell them the story.
It’s hard not to shed a tear, it’s hard not to feel emotions at these things. I am an emotional kind of guy – probably too emotional, feeling too much love, anger, sadness, euphoria – but the church was so cold my nose started running immediately the Vic asked us to bow our heads in quiet contemplations. So there I dabbing my nose like an idiot with my hankie before the waterworks even came on. Pathetic!
I was disappointed that my father-in-law didn’t make up the numbers and disappointed that the few people in the village who said that they’d pay their respects didn’t bother either. But hey, moving to this rat hole has been peppered with bitter disappointment, misery and woe.
Afterwards, the Vic approached me, visibly excited to talk to me. He was enthusiastic about my singular choice of the three tunes played at the service. I had chose Vaughan Williams’ “The Lark Ascending” for the contemplative part of the service – mainly because I though it was more than suitable, and it was one of Verity’s favourites and because Jim appreciated my own appreciation of all kinds of music. Listening the track and the expanse of blue sky and clouds it projects into your mind’s eye, you can almost imagine the soul (if there is a soul) dancing across the sky ascending to the hereafter. We spoke to the Vic and told them our plans and explained our rationale and how God had sent that car to me for a particular reason.
Then it was done and we came away and retreated to an old faithful for a spot of lunch and a pint.
Of course, the funeral is for the living because it places you at a point in time and makes you question your own mortality and says: “This is it…” We fill our lives with the inconsequential in a desperate attempt to disguise and obscure the true nature of life and death, the thin tightrope between the beating heart, the quicksilver thoughts running through our brains and the cold release of the morticians slab.
I realised that if I dropped dead right now, there would be even fewer people at my funeral – probably just the Missus and my mother. Only the kids and the dog would miss me and the world would carry on without me – my efforts for nought. That’s the brutality and honesty of life.
If only…eh?

Over the past two months, I’ve had the “pleasure” of watching a man waste away before my eyes. My mother’s long-term partner was diagnosed with terminal cancer in August and being the person I am, we invited him to our home to pass away his last weeks.
In the past I never got on with him because his chronic alcoholism frightened me and turned him into a spiteful monster. I never really got to know the real person until my mother nearly died during the Winter 2007 and he came and lived with us and helped a great deal. By then the alcohol took second stage, he couldn’t drink anymore. If he did he’d fall over and another fall would finish him.
We joked he had more lives than a bus load of black cats – surviving falls, broken bones, near-fatal blood loss (he used to go into hospital regularly to have his blood “topped up”) and having more surgery then I’ve had kebabs for dinner. Logic said he should have died a decade ago – but he fought on. Someone up there wanted him here – probably to teach me a life lesson, I imagine.
But in the last three years, the booze subsided and the kind, generous man appeared. He died in August, but they injected his heart with adrenalin and brought him back for one last encore. So we bought him here and we’ve been keeping him comfortable and entertained. I’ve been gambling on the horses via the Internet for him and generally having a fun time.
Last night, we cooked him a dinner but he couldn’t eat it – suddenly violent stomach pains emerged, and it was revealed that he hadn’t taken his medication to keep him regular for about four days. Doctors were called, ambulances arrived and he was taken away in the early hours in agony, but still conscious. I thought he’d pull off another recovery, I really did, but it wasn’t to be.
At about 8.10am we got a call from the hospital to come quickly, but he died shortly after the call. His bowels were blocked, possibly ruptured and an infection had poisoned his bloodstream. Well that’s what the doctor said – though the real cause of death will never be known because his terminal condition means that they will just put “advanced cancer” on the death certificate.
It has affected me because I wanted to get us all back. I didn’t want to leave anyone behind, but I feel I failed. We were only days away from his birthday (and we were going to make it special) and our intention was to keep him alive for Christmas. I couldn’t even get that right.
The worst part was I completely fudged the situation with Verity. Jim and Verity were firm friends, he made a real impression on her and vice verse. She knew he was ill and knew about his hospital visits. She understood. But this morning when I told her nanny and mum were coming back from the hospital she asked: “With Jim?” and I tried my best to explain about his illness and him not coming back and she replied:
“Jim doesn’t want to see me anymore.”
And that broke my heart in two…
Good night Jim, wherever you are. I hope your horses come in for you.

By continuing to use the site, you agree to the use of cookies. more information

The cookie settings on this website are set to "allow cookies" to give you the best browsing experience possible. If you continue to use this website without changing your cookie settings or you click "Accept" below then you are consenting to this.

Close