At 37 years of age, it has suddenly been revealed to me that I’ve got gay hands. I don’t know what to do about it. I mean I feel perfectly straight, a pretty young thing in shorts and a crop top is still going to get blood racing to my manly parts, but I need to know what are the implications of having gay hands?
A single gay hand of mine…
If you haven’t guessed, I was unfortunate enough to watch BBC TV last night waste even more of my licence fee with The Making of Me – John Barrowman: Why am I Gay? I was intrigued because I’d seen the trailer and the test in the MRI scanner machine looked fascinating. Unfortunately, the show was a non-starter with no questions really answered. But the piece of evidence that rocked my world was the “gay hand” theory. Apparently, in the womb, you are subjected to all manner of hormones and if you are bombarded with the correct amount of male hormone testosterone, your ring finger grows longer than your index finger. This means that you are a straight male. Too little testorerone in the womb and your ring finger will be smaller than your index finger and you will be a screaming queen.
I looked at my hands. My ring finger is smaller than my index finger – I have gay hands. The urge to go see Mamma Mia! at the cinema didn’t suddenly wash over me. For Barrowman, the news was equally upsetting – as a gay man, he has straight hands. So you sit there and watch and here these experts prod and probe and test and theorise for them to come up with nothing.
Of course, when asking the question about human sexuality, the wisest person will already have the answer. “They just are” – that covers it. But what concerns me was the apparent concreteness of human sexuality that was presented by the programme.
“I am gay and that’s it.” says Barrowman, “I was born this way.”
The thing about human sexuality is that it is pretty fluid when you analyse it. Put enough heterosexual men in a confined space without any females, and it doesn’t take long before they start bumming each other while protesting that they are straight, etc. It all comes as part of the human need for intimacy. While I am not saying that you can’t be born gay, I think the picture isn’t that clear cut. Some are born gay, some are nurtured into it, some choose it as a lifestyle for that period of their life, etc. Also, in this programme, there was zero coverage of lesbianism and I would have found it interesting how the hormone and chromosomal theories would have stacked up when it comes to women who prefer to drink from the furry cup.
One thing that I did realise was that there are no clear answers when it comes to the infinite variety of humanity and sometimes I think we should stop looking for answers to questions that don’t need answering. Of course, the follow-up show should be: John Barrowman: The Making of Me – Why am I such an irritating showoff? I’d like to see the geneticists tackle that one.
Meanwhile, something very strange occured last night. I actually took part in a interview about my music for a radio show. OK – so it is not Radio 1 or the mass media, but it was an interesting experience being on the end of the questions when, as a journalist, I usually ask them. I am dreading hearing the interview. I probably sound like a complete prat. I know I started babbling at one point and I lost my train of thought. I find it hard to articulate via the oratory hole in the lower middle of my face, instead preferring the keyboard or music to get my ideas across. Oh well, I’ll post a link when the interview airs.
Gay Hands